Living in the Paradox

Almost 9 years ago, I blissfully, willfully, and excitedly went to the mission field full time as a 6 weeks bride to a veteran missionary Brian Weaver of Tanzania, East AFrica.  With my 5 trunks and 4 suitcases, I loaded all my important worldly possessions onto one of 4 aircraft that would take me to my new home in the foothills of Mt. Kilimanjaro.  I hardly noticed I was leaving parents, friends and my whole world behind to follow this wild God-loving man half way across the globe to become an instant pastor's wife, missionary team leader's wife, missions team member, and foreigner Mzungu in Africa.  I was in love. I was head-over-heals in love. I was living my dream.

For three years, we worked in Tanzania together as husband and wife, along side a diverse missions team.  We each had our niche'.  I enjoyed discipling women within our city church and doing women's conferences.  Brian was raising up church planters, worship leaders and leaders.  In 2006, we realized that God was calling us to turn over all the works there to indigenous leaders and return to the states for some retooling, reorientation and retraining. We knew there would be another mission field, but we didn't know where or when. We thought we'd relocate after one year, but God had two degrees, two children and two ministry roles in mind before he'd release us again.

Fast forward...

From December 1st until February 16th, I have lived in the paradox of having made the decision to be full time missionaries again and the wrestling with why the heck we are leaving a great church and ministry here in the States.  I really don't have the words to explain the inner chaos, ambiguity, stress and "are we going crazy?!?" feelings of the last few months.  Ask Brian, I am not one to loose sleep over life's issues.  I love sleep so much that I don't let my daytime life cross over into my nighttime bliss (only my children are allowed to disrupt it, but even then, it is the mercy of God I can respond to them in kindness at night). So for me to be waking up at 2, 3, 4 in the morning and my heart is racing, my mind is overwhelmed and my body is tense shows me how stressed I really was. I was waking up with headaches because I was clenching my jaw at night. This too is not like me.  

I had so many questions. Why us? Why now? Why Germany? What would we do? Where would we go? Why would we go? Why can't we stay? What will Abbie think? How will she respond?  What about my in-laws who live here in Virginia Beach now? Why would we go when we just bought our first house last year? ... all of these questions ran circles in my mind.  There was no rest for my heart until we made our final, and I mean FINAL decision to keep moving forward on Germany.  Since that moment, oh, peace!  Not that all my questions are answered, but I am content to know that we are not straddling two worlds any longer - the what if we stayed and what if we go worlds.  We're going. We're going. We ARE going.  For better or for worse, we are going.  We're excited. We're scared. We're crazy.  But we're going.